Cookies are for eating, not washing my feet

I read a lot of business news. I like knowing what’s happening around the world in commerce, construction, transportation, oil and gas, finance and innovation. Though I don’t hardly ever — if ever — try new things, I appreciate learning about new things.

Partially, it’s because I am nosy by nature. Must be why I became a reporter.

But it’s also because it’s interesting to read about new features in popular cars, like warning beepers that alert you to drivers who are even thinking of changing lanes in front of you; new electronics for the kitchen, like a refrigerator that tells me when my ketchup is about to go bad, as if ketchup could ever go bad; or new technology that its promoters say will replicate human thinking, as if human behavior is so perfect that it’s worth copying.

Yet, every so often I read about an innovation that offends even my limited sensibilities. The latest nominee for something the world could live without: Cookie-scented soaps.

I was reading a story about how companies that make retail products are increasingly relying on “influencers” to generate consumer demand for whatever it is that they are selling.

Influencers used to be known as pitchmen (or pitchwomen), carnival barkers, shills and shameless promoters, but now it has become a huge industry where people make videos of their favorite products, or at least the products that favor them with large payments for “genuine” publicity.

I learned from the news report that household goods manufacturer Unilever — which owns 400 brands that sell hair care products, deodorants, laundry detergents, ice cream and a lot more things that you can eat or most definitely should not eat — scored a big win with influencers pitching its cookie-scented Dove bath and beauty products.

Really, the world needed soaps and bath products that smell like sugar cookies (with sprinkles, of course), lemon glaze, strawberry crumb cake and confetti cake body wash? I thought people showered to get the sprinkles and confetti off their body, not to add it after washing.

Dove last year teamed up with the influencer-popular cookie company Crumbl for the line of scented products. Judging from news reports, influencer views on Instagram and TikTok, it’s been a popular team. It’s like a marriage made in heaven, if heaven were a place where people wash their hair in the kitchen sink.

I’ve never met a cookie I didn’t like, but the thought of cookie-scented deodorant sticks could convince me to give up sweets.

Artificial intelligence was involved in all this, helping to drive the social media hits and clicks and views, which is kind of funny when you think about all the artificial colors and flavors in sprinkle and confetti cookies.

One of the many online promoters taking a bite out of the cookie money posted: “Get ready to party! Crumbl’s iconic Confetti Cake cookie will add a sprinkle of sweetness to any b-day or spa day. Like the viral pink cookie, these products smell like warm sugar, buttercream frosting and cozy vanilla. Bakers who love scents as sweet as their skin will eat these up.”

I can’t decide if that makes me want to take a shower, eat a cookie, or lose my appetite and go to bed without washing up.

• Larry Persily is the publisher of the Wrangell Sentinel, where this column first appeared.